To Love One Another

How hard is it to love someone you care deeply for perfectly the way Jesus loved? It's not easy. Broken marriages are proof of this and it breaks my heart. Love is not a feeling...it's a choice, an action. It's who God is to us and it's the way we should live towards each other. Tears literally flow to my eyes now as I'm touched with the way He loves and at the same time with the way we consistently fail at it.

Jesus teach us how to love! 'Us' as a nation, 'us' as the human race, 'us' as believers, 'us' as couples bound by the sacred  covenant of marriage.

Jesus, teach us how to love.

"Dear friends, I am not writing a new commandment for you; rather it is an old one you have had from the very beginning. This old commandment-to love one another-is the same message you heard before. Yet it is also new. Jesus lived the truth of this commandment, and you also are living it. For the darkness is disappearing, and the true light is already shining." 1 John 2:7-8

Whatever My Lot

Thou hast taught me to say it is well with my soul...


A continuous thorn in my side is my struggle with depression. I can't explain it, can't find a cure for it, but I know one thing: it keeps me in a constant state of dependance on the Almighty. I find myself once again struggling to see spring at the end of winter, the light at the end of a tunnel...the weekend at the end of a long hard week...however you want to say it, that is the feeling I have. One of the most lonely parts of this is wondering if there is anyone that can relate?

I find myself on my knees again in a humble state of surrender. Ok, Lord, take it back. I'm a hoarder when it comes to my will. Very selfish. What do YOU want from me?

I'm struck with feelings of panic, feelings of helplessness along with a desperate feeling of wanting to get out of the pit that I feel trapped in. I know that I want help and that somehow gives me hope. I speak aloud the truth of my King. I speak His name and am reminded of His love for me. I surround myself with prayer warriors near and far and ask them to fight for me, knowing right now I can't fight for myself.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11


"Therefore my dear brothers' and sisters, stay true to the Lord. I love you and long to see you, dear friends for you are my joy and the crown I receive for my work. ...4 Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again-rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don't worry about anything. Instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for what He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds any anything we can understand. His peace will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. And now, one final thing: fix your eyes on what is true and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Continue putting into practice all that you have learned and received from me- everything you heard me say and saw me doing. Then the peace of God will be with you." Phil. 4:1, 4- 9


I focus my posture to set my eyes on things that are excellent and praise worthy. Then I rejoice in the King whom I serve.

I choose to rejoice today. Not to be fake, but also not to be half hearted in anything the Lord sets before me to do. I choose joy because I know what is coming. I choose love because no one has ever deserved it but He gave it anyway. Therefore, I will continue to put into practice all that I have learned from Him. Everything I heard him say and saw Him doing. And do you know what? That peace is with me now. It's a promise and I'm living proof.

It is well with my soul.

Silent Tea

Today I find myself in a silent place. I wish it would last forever. Moments like these are few and far between in the place I find myself today. I never knew I could treasure silence and stillness so much. When I find myself in silence, sometimes I can't even bring myself to read because I don't want to hear anything...not even the voice inside my head narrating...

It is moments like these that I wish life could slow down. I scold myself for being lazy when I run into these moments..even months ago I would have cringed at a moment of stillness grabbing a pen and paper and mapping out what I would do next. Now I crave it. I crave the silence. I long for it! I hope for it. To sip my cup of tea and breath in and exhale deeply never seemed like such a luxury!
Luxury...
I notice myself finding joy in pretty colors, in sitting at the window at 3pm that draws the most sunlight and letting the warmth soak into my back. I star at sparkly things like the beautiful wedding ring my darling gave to me and I find joy remembering the moment he asked and the moment I said yes. I crave creativity yet I reach desperately for certainty and things that will not change.

Any moment now a number of clients will come hustling through the door asking me for this or for that or if I've heard back from whom. My phone might ring in a second with a plea from my supervisor to do such and such a favor and my peace may be shaken...disrupted. I have two choices. To feel cheated for the moments I could have had or to feel blessed beyond belief for the luxury of the silence. Or, to tap into a peace that will never leave me; to tap into rest that is mine forever.

"The Lord is my shepherd. I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever." 
Psalm 23

Therein lies my help. Therein lies my security for what I have and for what is to come. Therein lies my rest. Therein lies the stillness I long for. Therein lies my renewal and my guidance and the companionship I long for when the life I lead is too much to explain. There is my honor, my language of love in gifts and blessings as my cup runs over and my stability...that no matter where I lay my head He is with me and I will dwell forever in one place for certain...in Him, where there is peace.

lessons on taking myself too seriously ;-)

Today I am taking a day off. A day off from what, you might ask?  (As many of you know I have been searching for work for over 5 months). Well, today I am taking a day off from a very trying week of waking up in the morning, praying that God would help me trust him, going to interviews and coming home feeling defeated and discouraged. I have shared with some of you my horror stories of the week, but today is a day to focus on God’s faithfulness.

This morning I woke up feeling absolutely exausted. I felt too tired to cry or even express my anger towards God about how distant he felt. I began to get ready for the day wondering how much more I could take.Those of you who are unemployed probably know what I’m talking about—how hard it can be to fill out application after application or tweak resume after resume for jobs that you don’t even know that you want knowing you may or may not reap rewards for your labor. It’s exhausting isn’t it?

I really cried out to my Abba this week.  I told him how bad it hurt not to work. I told him how sorry I felt for myself and I told him I was ready to give up my pride and work wherever he chose, if only he would make clear where that was! I was so tired of spinning my wheels. He took me through a step by step lesson this week.

He said…

1. Check your motives.

Autumn, why do you want to work? Is it so that you can impress people when they ask “What do you do?” Is it so that you feel you are benefiting from your degree? Or is it so that you may be a witness for me wherever I choose to place you?

2. Check your heart.

Where is your treasure? Is it in winning souls or is it in temporary earthly pleasures?

3. Check your will

"Do you want my will or yours?" He asked.

Through a couple of very interesting experiences, the Lord led me to face myself in all of these areas.

It was this morning that I realized I had truly let go. The whole time I had been meaning to let go of all of the above and let the Lord lead me, but it was all done in fear and with a back-up plan if he didn’t lead the way I wanted him to. As I got ready this morning, I just prayed, “Lord, guide me. You know what I want; but you also know what’s best for me. Please do what’s best for me.”

It was moments later that my cell phone rang with a call from a catering company and supper club that I had applied to weeks ago. They asked if I could interview today.

I felt excited but nervous, because not having a job, I had already made holiday plans to visit family the week following Christmas. I knew it would be wise to take the job regardless, but I asked God for one more thing. “God would you please let me know this is right by allowing me to start after the first of January?”

And that is exactly what God did for me. Later today I got a call from an eye clinic that I had applied to as a receptionist and they want to interview next week...God is good.

“So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

So today I am taking a long overdue “day off” so to speak. I am taking a day off from trying to carry it all on my shoulders. I am taking a “day off” from trying to manage my own life and I am taking a day off to refocus on the goal—not mine, but the goal Paul is speaking of when he says,

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14
 

My Bookshelf...what's important to me!

Remember how I told you that I write what I write here so that you can pray for us? Well, I have something to write that I'd like you all to pray about.  I am so excited by this that I'm a little hesitant to write because I'm afraid sometimes of not making sense, but I am also so very excited by this revelation that I would like you all to pray that God does with it what he wants...the sooner the better!

Here's my story...

Today I woke up and couldn't stop thinking...when that happens I usually take quite a bit of my devotional time to write and to journal what I feel God is showing me. Today I told Him I'm just frustrated with having so many passions and desires and not know which one he wants me to follow or if all of them even line up at all...I hate when people ask me, "what do you do all day while john is at work.." because I know I do a lot of thinking, house-hold tasks, writing...and waiting...waiting  on God  for direction as I fill out application after application, wondering if any of them is really what I want to do and wishing God would direct more clearly.

So speaking of tasks, I began a task that I've been putting off for awhile--cleaning out our "guest room./office"..you know, the room in the house that you shove stuff in when you don't have time to clean/ unpack everything before people come? That's the one. I opened the door, took a deep breath, opened a window and opened the first box. It was the box that my mom had sent back with me last time I was home and it was heavy as heck! I found it to be full of many of books (novels, fiction, and non-fiction) that I had accumulated over the years as well as some others that I had studied with in college. As I was placing them on my bookshelf, I realized you can definitely tell what's important to a person by taking a look at his/her bookshelf, (if they like to read, that is). Books on worship, dating, marriage and spiritual leadership and development soon crowded the top and bottom shelves. Shoving that box of to the side, I reached for the next--even heavier than the first, I literally had to push it from one corner of the room to the bookshelf. When I opened it, it was full of notes, papers and notebooks that were shoved in in the most disorderly fashion (just the way I'd left them after each semester of college ;-). As I began to tackle the new task of organizing what I thought was probably mostly trash, I found that it was actually organized clutter--each class, year and assignment separated neatly with a couple of notes in between. As I began to sort I couldn't help but read some of the articles, stories, movie reviews and final papers, memories of the times in my life washing over me as I did so. I even laughed a loud at some of my word choices and the different spins I took on what were probably meant to be boring assignments, late night hours turned into humorous editorials. I decided I'd like to share some of these with John, so I began organizing them into folders and stacking them on the shelves...and that's when I realized what I'm passionate about. Laugh if you want to, but I never knew....when I finished, the remaining space on my shelf was full of my own work.....and my other books of interest stood their awkwardly among the rest of my own work. If you don't understand, or don't know me well enough to understand, what I'm saying is, God just opened my eyes to a passion I didn't realize I had. I want to write,...and I need to. I didn't realize until I wasn't being forced to, how much I miss it...and how much I crave it. The excitement I feel is comparable to the last time God pointed me in a certain direction--you know, when he speaks to you so clearly you want to cry? That's how I felt. So I promptly texted a sister in Christ and told her, I know what God wants me to do! For the first time since he told me to marry John and move to Kiel, I had direction! Being the amazing friend that she is, she took it upon herself to hold me accountable and told me to call the local newspaper immediately and put together my portfolio. So I did...and I have a meeting on Monday.

I'm really not sure how to end this...other than asking those of you who seek God for direction in your lives to pray earnestly for me. If God wants me to be humble and wait on him longer, please ask that he gives me the grace and  patience to wait and if he wants to use me to write and lift his name through my writing, please pray that he opens a door!

Thank you so much.

Following Christ,

Autumn